Messy Motherhood

Beauty Into Ashes & my birth story: the one who lived

The days following the birth of my son were spent in quiet, skin-to-skin, bliss. Albeit I was in pain post my cesarean, but it didn’t matter! My son, who we had waited for in anticipation, in prayer, and in anxiety. So many thoughts flooded my mind in the days leading up to my c-section. It would be my second, and would be at 37 weeks gestation, as was my daughters birth. I have epilepsy, and its because of my epilepsy that they had to deliver my babies early.

Now remember that fact; it will come into play later on!

To put it bluntly, my pregnancy had been absolutely terrible. Terrible. I had severe hyperemesis gravidarum. I vomited & had such bad nausea I couldn’t eat. If I ate, I’d vomit. Drank, I’d vomit. Soon I was bedbound, too weak to get up and function. They began in-hospital IV infusions 5x a week at 14wks, as well as placed in PICC line in my arm through which I could receive fluids & medication. I would be so weak and exhausted from going to the hospital I could only stumble to bed and lay there feeling such guilt, and often cry over my predicament. I had a 15mos old baby downstairs, who needed me. My beautiful little girl. But I was so ill that I could hardly do anything with her; it hurt my heart so much. Fortunately she is loved so dearly our family-she never lacked love, and the attention or care she needed. My mom was incredible, caring for her and loving on her as I laid sick for days. It wasn’t until around 23-24wks that I began to feel a bit better; I was giving myself meds & IV’s through my line at home, and while it was an adjustment to shower with my line in (you cant get it wet), I was able to do other things normally. I didn’t have much improvement in my symptoms until 27wks, and by then I had lost 30lbs, 30lbs I couldn’t afford to lose. I was in my late 2nd trimester, and had not gained pregnancy weight, but instead lost it. I spent the remainder of my pregnancy hoping to gain some weight; in the end I was able to gain 15lbs of pregnancy weight, which my OB said was “essentially just your baby, you’re all baby, girl!”
I had made enough progress, that by 27wks they made the choice to pull my PICC line. I was so thrilled, and it felt like a right of passage into a “normal” pregnancy as the nurse pulled it out. I breathed a sigh of relief; everything should be smooth sailing from here…right?

…unfortunately no, it did not get easier.

For the remainder of my pregnancy, as I grew larger and larger, I began experience severe pain near my c-section scar and in my pelvis. Contractions, and horrible pain low in my belly left me doubled over, heartrate elevated over 120, breathing rapidly to try and get through the pain. I was 36wks at that time, and the pain was so extreme I couldn’t walk in some cases, others I had to bend over and lean on the counter as contractions came in waves. I knew what labor felt like, I’d labored for a day with my daughter before my c-section happened. I was positive these were contractions; I knew the feeling, I’d had them before. All the while praying incessantly that God protect my son. As the pains came in waves I somehow knew something was wrong, something was very, very wrong. I remember telling my mom amidst the pain, “Something’s wrong, somethings very wrong. He’s hardly moved all day, the pain is excruciating.” She had me call the OB, and the nurse told me to head into L&D.

So off we went, my husband and I praying during the drive there.

Internally my heart cried out, “Please protect him, please keep him alive. Please let him be born alive. Lord let him hold on, just let him hold on. Please. You saved him once, please save him again.” It was a simple, pleading prayer. I knew something was wrong. As we got closer to the hospital I began to feel the contractions slow, and then they finally stopped. I was able to breathe, but I still felt that severe, unrelenting pain below my belly. I was dizzy and I could feel my heartrate running at a million miles per hour, it felt.

Once they hooked me up to the monitor, they informed me I had no contractions and “it was probably braxton hicks”. I know what braxton hicks feel like, and these were not it, I told them. I said I was concerned about his slowed movement, and the contractions had slowed by the time we arrived to L&D. I was still tachycardic, so they monitored a little longer. But in the end they said his heat rate seemed fine, and not to worry. The OB mentioned the likelihood of me going into pre-term labor, as it seemed my body was getting ready, and that she would see if Maternal Fetal Medicine recommended a steroid shot in case he needed to/came early. She never heard back from them, and I never heard anything about it again. When I told her he needed to come out, she just reiterated that he needed to stay in until 37wks and everything seemed fine. I wasn’t in labor, my cervix was shut tight, and I wasn’t bleeding. So with that, all the concern left the room, and I was treated as if I was just having Braxton hicks. They kept me for a bit longer to monitor my heartrate, about which they were concerned. After a while it finally went down, as the severe pain began to wane a bit. They told me to take a hot bath to relax my body because I was probably in pain because of stress. It didn’t really make sense to me, but I tried a hot bath in the hospital as they could run one there.

Then we went home, the same fear eating me alive: something is wrong.

All throughout the remainder of my last week of pregnancy, I constantly poked and prodded my belly to get him to move. His movement had changed, it wasn’t as frequent, and the usual patterns were not the same. It was the week of Christmas 2021; I was full of excitement for my daughter to experience her 2nd Christmas, and waiting in such anticipation for the 27th of December to come: David’s birthday.

“Please keep him, please let him hold on. Please Lord, please.”, I pleaded, touching my belly hoping to feel him move. The severe pain remained, but they told me I was “fine”. I began to wonder if I was overexaggerating or crazy somehow, but at the heart of it, I knew something was wrong. I knew.

The day of our c-section arrived; I couldhardly wait to get on the operating table so they could cut me open and get him out. I remember telling my husband “I need him out. He needs to come out, ASAP. Something is wrong.”

“he will come out,” he said reassuringly. “it’ll be okay, love.”

On our way to the hospital. The anticipation killed me

I prayed nonetheless, we both prayed. Everything felt like it took a million years, waiting for that moment, that sacred moment before my OB would make the first cut, felt like an eternity. I was shaking out of anxiety, excitement, fear. Couple that with adrenaline plus the hormone crash, and simultaneous hormone rush you have at the moment of birth; I was shaking like a leaf. I stuttered my words and felt like I couldn’t breathe. There by my side was my ever-loving, faithful, steadfast husband holding my hand. He scratched my arm gently to try and calm me down, while describing to me what it all looked like and what was going on (at my request). Everything inside me was screaming “hurry up! Get him OUT! Please”; I waited anxiously as they cut, while simultaneously trying to convince myself I was overreacting. That I was crazy. Then I heard my OB say:

“Huh, we have a large uterine window here. Its extremely lucky we did surgery today; your uterus was about to rupture. If you ever have more children, you cannot have a vaginal birth.”

My heart sank, so something was wrong, but it wasn’t my baby, right? I tried to breathe.

“I’m coming across a lot of blood clots in between the placenta and the uterine wall. Its quite a lot to get through, I haven’t gotten to the placenta yet.” My placenta had essentially detached from the uterine wall, and had bled into my uterus. In case you do not know, placental issues are one of the number one causes of stillbirth. I’d had a concealed placental abruption sometime before 37wks, and we had no idea. No one ever bothered to do an ultrasound to ever check the condition of my placenta.

“Its really good we did surgery today…”, he repeated. My anxiety grew.
“I’m at the placenta, he said. “Its tough to get to.”

Alright, you ready? Lots of pressure.”

My heart raced, this was the moment. He was coming.

First snuggle. I was still reeling from the fear that my worries had all been validated. It felt like a dream that he was okay and in my arms. I cried

I couldn’t see him right away, I waited for a loud cry, or a soft cry. But I only heard a weak gurgle-of-a-cry. As they lifted him so I could see him real quick, I saw how purple and blue he was. So blue. My heart just sank; I knew it. I knew something was wrong.

And with that, I thanked God, thanked him for saving my son. For letting him hold on, long enough to be delivered safely. He’d swallowed some meconium, but they got it out and he began to oxygenate up. Soon the lactation consultant was feeding him colostrum in the operating room after hand expressing it from me as I lay being stitched up. I was producing ounces of colostrum, plenty for him to eat I thought”.

After they oxygenated him up! 6lbs 6oz, 19 inches long

The next hours and through the night were bliss; skin to skin contact, trying to nurse, snuggling endlessly…it felt like heaven. I kept thanking God for this beautiful baby boy, this gift. But I couldn’t shake the anxiety that I was right, that something was very wrong.

Morning came, and my OB came in to talk and check in on us. As we talked he told me again, “it was really good we did surgery when we did. You see, most umbilical cords look like rope. They’re thick, with big arteries pulsating with blood. But David’s was flat, and colorless, almost like a noodle. He had no blood flow in his cord, and your placenta had failed. It was really good we did surgery when we did or things could have gone badly.”

I knew he was trying to say “we’d have lost him if we didn’t”, but I think he was trying to be tactful to not freak me out. But I knew. It was a miracle he wasn’t stillborn. After he left I cried; it was such a close call. So much closer than it ever should have been. Even though he was safe in my arms, I felt such fear and anxiety regardless. That feeling I’d had during his birth still lingered and mixed with the joy I felt holding my sweet newborn.

One thing I’ve always heard and known, is that He makes beauty out of ashes. God uses the hard stuff, to make something good. It sounds wonderful in theory, but to truly experience it is something different. All we can do in the midst of pain, is move forward in faith.

Remember my epilepsy? About a month postpartum my husband and I were talking, and he said something I will never forget:

“If you think about it, your epilepsy was part of saving David’s life. If you’d never had that TBI in 2008, you’d have never developed epilepsy, and if you’d never had epilepsy, they would have never delivered David at 37wks because you were having too many seizures. If they’d not delivered him when they did, he would likely have died. So in a roundabout way, your epilepsy is a blessing.”

I sat there in disbelief; he was right. All the suffering, all the tears, the seizures, the testing, the loss of freedoms, all the medications and all the side-effects, the endless quest to find a med combo “that works”…it was a blessing in the making. God took something miserable, and in the end, made it beautiful. There was a purpose to all of it, even when I couldn’t see it, it was truly His plan. It took years in the making, but that pain ended up being part of what brought my son into this world, alive.

The best belated Christmas gift I could ask for

Fast-forward 2 weeks into my sons life; it all hit the fan. What would culminate into tons of testing, a g-tube surgery, and 4 PICU stays later, left me a mama of a baby boy who needs a little extra TLC.

But you know what? I was ready. I knew in those moments that I was made to be his mama, all the pain, the illness I suffered, the surgeries, the depression, the tears, the PICC line, it all prepared me to be his advocate, his caregiver, his biggest cheerleader. God used it all to mold me into the mother my son needed. And for that, I am eternally thankful.

More to come in my next blog post! Stay posted if you want to hear about my sons story.

In honor of all the mamas of babies who went to heaven too soon, please visit https://www.pushpregnancy.org/ to further educate yourself and others on ways we can stop preventable stillbirth. Had my son been stillborn, his death would have been preventable had they done an ultrasound, and listened to me. I should have advocated harder. Too close a call for comfort, and countless mothers lose their babies every year to stillbirth.

Movement matters, know your babies normal patterns of movement, if it deviates, go into L&D!

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.” –Psalm 139: 14-16

A letter to you mama in the 4th trimester~

You’ve made it through your pregnancy, baby is finally in your arms. Everything you waited for in anticipation has come to fruition. You spend a night at hospital (or 3-4 if you’ve had a belly birth), and then they send you home. Once they see you at your 6wk PP visit, that’s where the care ends. It’s a lot to process, and walking into the 4th trimester was more than you bargained for. Sleep deprivation? You thought you were prepared, but no amount of reading could prepare you for the truest level of exhaustion; a kind you’d never experienced before. Your stitches from a tear may be healing; sore, a peri bottle, Sitz baths, Tucks pads, mesh undies and a diaper sized pad for postpartum bleeding, yet you push forward.

You clutch a pillow to your incision as you walk slowly holding your newborn. Yet having had a c-section you take it all with grace: when the nurses come in and put pressure on your incision you breathe and your eyes water, you let it happen and tell them thank you when they leave. When they dangle you and have you walk for the first time you do it without protest, every step excruciating. When they change your pad, blood all over you and the doggy pad beneath, you feel no shame. They care for you like they would an infant, but you don’t think twice. When you get home, every step is painful and draining, you’re sleep-deprived. You’ve had major abdominal surgery; you need caring for, yet you have a tiny human who needs 24/7 care as well. Even more is demanded of you if you have other little ones.

You push through; it’s a true labor of love, but man is it tough.

The elation, but the knowledge of what was to come scared me. My first recovery was so hard, the depression suffocating, the pain unbearable, the pandemic isolating. I never could have imagined my birth this way, but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

If this is your first, you realize no one could convey to you it’d be like this. If this is one of many babies, you feel the burden. You knew what was coming, and you try to quell your anxiety as you transition to the 4th trimester. If you’ve had postpartum depression before, you scared it’ll happen again.

But try to know mama, you’re not a bad mother.

Or maybe they handed you your little one, but instead of the overwhelming love you expected, you feel nothing. You struggle to connect. In your mind you know you should feel a certain way; are you normal? “What’s wrong with me“, you ask. But nothing is wrong, sometimes bonding takes time. Sometimes it isn’t instant. Depression, hormones, anxiety, a traumatic birth… or it seems there’s no reason at all; any number of things could cause problems with bonding. You’re not alone, but you can’t shake the guilt.

So worth it, but so hard. The joy immense, but cut open & in pain, sleepy on morphine, struggling to breastfeed. But equally beautiful all the same—this is the 4th trimester.

Your belly hollowed out, where there was life inside you and everyone celebrated your belly, they said you were beautiful, “give yourself a break mama you’re pregnant!” But now it’s different. You see your body and feel sadness or discouragement; the feeling of being a deflated balloon is the best way I could describe it. Your uterus has to shrink back down, your belly will not be flat immediately, and you realize “bouncing back” within days isn’t a thing. What the world tells us, what you see on Instagram… it’s not reality. All postpartum bodies are normal, not just the bodies that seemingly out of nowhere have a flat stomach, no stretch marks, and a perfectlytoned body. Your body is normal, I promise you. You grew a human in your womb for 9 months, your organs squished, body stretched more than you imagined possible, your blood volume doubled, the placenta, amniotic fluid.. did you know that’s part of the weight you gain? It’s not just fat. Hips widened, rib cage has grown, maybe your feet got bigger, your hands. What about postpartum hair loss? Your previously good pregnancy hair is falling out in handfuls, maybe you get thinning spots like I did. Your skin breaks out, or it drys out like the Sahara. Compile sleep deprivation, stress, the baby blues or developing PPD (I did with my 1st).

Guilt over choosing formula to not being able to breastfeed? Breastfeeding is a nightmare for you and does not “come naturally”. Maybe your nipples are bleeding, cracked, scabbing over like mine are. Every time baby latches your eyes water, but you keep trying to fix babies latch. But what if you just can’t take it? You beat yourself up for choosing to stop breastfeeding. Perhaps “breast is best” has been drilled into your head. Milk stains on your shirt, all your needs have become secondary to your infants needs—it doesn’t matter to your baby that you are struggling so much. They need you 24/7, regardless of your exhaustion, your tears, your depression, or the pain you are in from your c-section. Your sole purpose right now is to care for this precious life that you created. You love your baby deeply, but you just want to sleep. You’d do anything for them, but you just wish you could have one friggen minute to yourself. Everyone says you can do this, but you have your doubts. Are you a bad mother? Are you not cut out for this? What if you fail?

See, no one told you the 4th trimester would be this hard. You’ve heard the “haha you’re tired NOW? Just wait till your babies born.” You’ve heard this what feels like hundreds of times—it pisses you off at this point. But what about everything else that women experience in the 4th trimester? Did you anticipate friends just dropping like flies, that you’d feel so isolated by the eat, sleep, wake, diaper change, repeat cycle. You could stare in awe at your beautiful baby, but cry tears of exasperation also. Both are normal, motherhood isn’t easy; but it’s worth it. You were made for this, but that is what you doubt every day. No one took you aside and told you the struggles you might have, what your body is doing as it recovers from birth (like the fact your placenta leaves a wound the size of a dinner plate in the uterus. That’s why you have to take it easy! That wound has to heal).

Trust me when I tell you mama, whatever you’re going through, whether it’s a few of these things or all of them and more, it’s normal. You are not alone, when you’re up crying out of exhaustion and frustration as you rock baby to sleep, another mama is right there with you. You’re not alone in your fight with PPD & anxiety, you’re not alone in your body image issues. This is the 4th trimester, and it’s time we talked openly and honest about it. It’s time we normalized postpartum bodies, that we talked freely about PPD, about our frustrations, our tears, our love for our babies.

Postpartum real talk.

Share your postpartum pictures if you feel so called, our bodies are beautiful, this is what we sacrifice to bring life into the world. Is that not enough? Adult diapers, stretch marks, bloody nipples… it’s normal, and you are enough mama. Your baby won’t remember that you had the best gadgets, that newborn photo shoot, picture perfect birth… they just care they you love them. You are seen by El-Roi, the God who sees. You are loved, you are resilient, you are strong.

This is my postpartum body, and unlike my 1st pregnancy, I’ve been able to love myself and be proud of what I see in the mirror.

“She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: ‘you are the God who sees me’, for she said ‘I have now seen the one who sees me.’” -Genesis 16:13

Tears, Anxiety, & Mothering

Today’s post isn’t going to be about sleep-sacks as I’d promised (sorry)! These days, I mainly only have the energy to write about what I’m feeling passionate about at the moment. For the most part, I’m too tired to write in general. I will deliver that sleep-sack post though, eventually!

I’m writing, because today I stood in my mother-in-law’s kitchen hunched over the counter, and cried big, fat tears while my sweet little girl was trying to play hide-and-seek. A whole combination of things lead to this break down: my resident clinical anxiety, feeling wholly overwhelmed thanks to my ADHD, lack of sleep, chronic pain, seeing myself as a failure…
Every day I feel some-what underequipped to be a mother. I feel deep anxiety because I have trouble keeping things organized. I can keep my daughter put together, always diapered, fed, in clean clothes, with clean mattress sheet. We laugh together, she snuggles me, she makes my day. But when I look at the rest of my life outside of motherhood, it looks like a mess.
My bedroom?
A mess.
My clothes? 98.9% always unfolded, and sitting in a pile on my floor.
Do I eat?
Not really. I usually forget and realize in the evening I’ve eaten nothing all day. That’s probably why I have a headache!
Hobbies?
Outside of playing Dungeons & Dragons once a week (which I love), my hobbies are pretty much non-existent outside of nerddom.
Relaxing basically looks like me watching TV for a few hours in the evening, eating my feelings.
I have panic attacks on the regular because I have trouble with inconsistency, sensory issues, with change thanks to mental illness, anxiety, and as I’m learning from my Psychiatrist, probably Autism (which I will discuss later).

My personal life is a mess, really. I don’t feel like I have a personal life these days. But what mother at this stage does? If you’re looking at other mama’s Instagram’s and thinking “wow, she really has it all together”, or “I wish I could be like that”, then please do yourself a favor, and don’t. I’ve found myself doing that lately, and its such a disservice to my mental health, and my weary heart.

Because it’s not true. No mama has it all together, and if you’re the mother of an infant or a toddler, you certainly don’t have it all “together”.

That’s ok. I’m telling myself right now, and I try to tell myself everyday, that its okay. I see other moms on Instagram. I feel badly about myself, and then I have to stop myself, because what we all put online isn’t entirely reality, is it? It’s just a glimpse of the best parts of our lives. It doesn’t show the sleepless nights, the breakdowns in the kitchen. It doesn’t show us stealing away into the bathroom to try and get some “me time”, or trying to catch some sleep during our children’s naps.

My profile doesn’t show me wincing in pain and wishing I could just go one day pain-free, it doesn’t show me crying into a pillow because I’m so tired of hurting, of not sleeping. It doesn’t show me slathering bio freeze all over myself, grimacing anytime I move, or taking all my meds. Social media is very deceiving.

But there’s something to be said however, about all the good things we put online. Because while it may feel overwhelming, and like everything is falling down on you mama, those happy pictures you post are also equally part of our tireless effort to raise good little humans. When I look at all the pictures on my account, I find myself smiling, laughing, crying bittersweet tears as I scroll through and watch my daughter get bigger and grow with each picture. When I think back on the past two years, from pregnancy, giving birth, to now, I have been blessed beyond measure. I have healed, I’ve grown into a better human, a better mother, my marriage isn’t perfect, but its healthy. And most of all, we have a beautiful daughter who quite literally is joy. She brings a ray of sunshine to every room, and never fails to put a smile on my face. I feel hopeless a lot, but I have to look backwards at the things the HaShem has done for me, in order to remind myself of the wonderful things to come.

I’m not even sure where I’m going with this post anymore, but I’ll leave you with this: what we are doing is important, and the time flies faster than you think. One day they’re a little snoozing potato in your arms, the next they’re playing hide-and-seek with you in the living room. There’s no such thing as perfect motherhood, its messy, its full of tears. But it’s also full of blessings, laughter, and so much joy. Because of my daughter I am a better person, and follower of Yeshua. Keep up the hard work! Fight the good fight and hug your little one. You’re not inadequate, you’re a mother, and that means something! No matter what the world tells you, raising a child is perhaps one of the most important undertakings.

Hang in there, and Shavua Tov!

“Let us continue holding fast to the hope we acknowledge, without wavering; for the One who made the promise is trustworthy.” -Hebrews 10:23

Sleep Sacks & Swaddles for the new parent

Navigating infant sleep is quite simply one of the most difficult, and exhausting things a parent will tackle early on in their child’s life. (No pun intended). I myself am still working on “perfecting” sleep with my daughter, and she’s 1. Honestly, there is no “perfect” sleep in the first year of your little ones life. I’ll be real, I haven’t really gotten a good nights rest for almost 2 years now (pregnancy insomnia ensured I barely slept, and then my precious newborn brought the level of sleep deprivation to the next level!) To say that I, and my husband are exhausted, is an understatement. There’s a reason sleep-deprivation is a torture-method. Seriously, you’ll know what I mean when you’re sobbing uncontrollably and haven’t slept in 5 days, waddling around in adult diapers. But it gets better, promise!

As a side-note, we unsuccessfully swaddled my daughter like this in the above photo, and I literally didn’t sleep. Sleep sacks saved the day in giving me peace of mind she wasn’t going to suffocate from all her wriggling around out of the blankets (no matter how we swaddled her).

Lastly, I’d like to preface this post with the fact that all children are different. That is ok. Some babies hate to be swaddled, some babies love it. For some babies, a pair of footie pajamas suffices! Some babies sleep through the night within weeks of being born. Some, like my daughter, are still waking up 2-3 times a night, and she just turned one. She is sleep trained, so we no longer dread the night in that she puts herself to sleep now. After consistency in sleep-training she now successfully falls asleep on her own and self-soothes (yay!). Alas this post isn’t necessarily about sleeping per say, but more or less about sleep sacks and swaddles! Their uses, why they are helpful for sleep, and some personal favorites which I’d love to recommend!

Swaddle, swaddle, swaddle! (Or not!)

First of all lets discuss the benefits of swaddles and sleep sacks! I’ll not go into too much detail as I’m sure you’ve done much reading on your own about them!
1. If you aren’t aware, swaddling is the practice of wrapping a baby in a light/breathable blanket to help them feel calm and fall asleep. The thought behind swaddling is that being swaddled with help your newborn feel quite snug and secure; swaddling can mimic the feeling of being in the womb. Transitioning from the womb to the outside world is incredibly stressful, and extremely tiring for babies! Sleep is even harder for them, so swaddling can give them a little peace, and help ease them into sleeping in the foreign world they just popped into.
2. Additionally, babies have little control over their little newborn limbs when they are born. All babies are born with the moro or “startle” reflex. Swaddling helps to prevent unnecessary wakeups due to the startle reflex in their little arms, as well as keeps their little limbs from flailing around and thus waking them up! Overall, a swaddle can help (most) babies feel secure and safe as they sleep outside of your womb. Now, keep in mind every baby is different, and some hate to be swaddled. Or they prefer to be swaddled using different methods (hands up for self-soothing, one arm down, both arms up, arms out, etc.) So observe your baby as you learn to swaddle and see what they prefer!
In the meantime I’d like to include here some useful link about the benefits of swaddling!

My top favorite tried-and-true swaddles!

After going through several different types of swaddles, I was still struggling to find that one golden-egg-of-a-swaddle my daughter couldn’t squirm out of (she was itty bitty, but somehow she could wiggle out of any swaddle I tried). Most of them were too big, or she’d work the fabric over her face with Velcro swaddles (like the Halo sleep sack swaddle). Don’t ask me how, she just managed to! I know many moms swear by this specific swaddle, but it just wasn’t for us. If you have a very squirmy, small infant (5-6lbs like my daughter), this specific swaddle may not be for you!
Now, on to my #1 favorite swaddle! The Love to Dream Swaddle Up! Aside from looking both hilarious and adorable on your baby (think flying squirrel-looking), it’s design is truly ingenious. My daughter didn’t like having her arms pinned down in a swaddle, she preferred to have her little hands by her face for self-soothing, and that’s the awesome thing about this swaddle. It places babies hands and arms up in a natural position, allowing them to self-soothe, while also helping to negate the startle reflex (this helped my daughter to begin sleeping on her back easier). The design allows them to sleep more peacefully, as well as feel secure. The Swaddle UP has a 2-way zipper for easy diaper changes at night, without disturbing your babies little swaddled arms! It’s slightly snug around the chest and abdomen to mimic the feeling of the womb, as well as having a hip healthy design to help prevent hip dysplasia. This brand It also comes in a transitional swaddle UP, which allows you to detach each arm swaddle as your baby grows, so they can transition out of the swaddle. It was amazing for my daughter, and by 6mos, she was sleeping in a regular sleep sack. This sack overall helped her to learn to sleep comfortably and safely on her back. The newborn Swaddle UP was a game-changer for us, and the transitional aspect of the different swaddles they offer truly made sleep less stressful for me. I knew she was safe, and comfortable-which was a comfort to me as a worrying first-time-mommy! I can’t say enough about this fantastic Australian born-brand, and their safe sleepwear! These swaddles are a bit pricey, but 100% worth it. I suggest seeing what your baby likes; do they like to be swaddled? (Some don’t!) do they like their arms down, or do you see them trying to put their little hands to their mouths as they sleep? Observe your little one, and this will help you pick swaddles that work best. Buying off Amazon saved my wallet when a swaddle didn’t work out, so I highly recommend that as well.

The Newborn Love to Dream Swaddle UP, 29.95USD, Amazon.com

Love to Dream Swaddle UP Transition in Mint, 34.95USD, this is what my daughter wore until she was 6 months!

Additionally, this brand has products for independent/walking sleepers! And to top it off, all their products are made of soft, 100% cotton. 10/10 from this mama!

Sleep Sack-City! Lets talk the next step!

I’ll now be discussing sleep sacks, why they are super helpful, and my favorite sleep sacks so far!
1. Halo! Halo is probably my favorite sleep sack brand at the moment. It’s mid-range, I’d say in terms of price for the basic sleep sack. Once my daughter had grown out of her transition Swaddle UP, it was time to move her to a sleep sack. She hadn’t quite grown out of the startle reflex just yet, so Halo’s transitional swaddle sleep sack was the perfect answer.

Her sleep sack keeps her warm, but also safe by eliminating loose blankets/suffocation hazards. Just as in her swaddle, I put her in a onesie and some socks, and that’s all she needs underneath. During the hot summers, a short sleeve onesie suffices with no socks. During the winters, a long sleeve with socks suffices. During winter I put her in fleece, and during summer I will put her in a cotton sleep sack. Overall I have liked the Halo Sleepsack the most! She is currently wearing the micro fleece sleepsack wearable blanket. It keeps her nice and cozy, and she knows it’s bedtime when the sleepsack goes on! They come in a variety of colors, and also have an independent sleepwear option for infants that are walking. Halo makes swaddles as well! I do like their Halo Sleepsack Swaddle; I think it’s a solid product. But my daughter didn’t like her arms swaddled down, so we switched to Love to Dream as I discussed earlier! Again, just pay attention and see what your little one prefers. It’s, unfortunately, trial and error. (Update: we’ve switched to the 100% cotton sleep sack now, it’s too warm for microfleece!)

These sleep sacks also have a two way zipper, so diaper changes are easy without having to disturb baby too much.

Halo also makes their own transition swaddle, which my daughter slept in for a while during the cold winter months before fully transitioning into the basic Sleepsack. I love this transition Sleepsack because it keeps their little arms warm, while helping to gently negate the startle reflex if they’re still struggling with it. After a while my daughter was tired of having her arms up (around 5mos), but her startle reflex was still there, so this was the perfect Sleepsack to help her transition. It’s soft and kept her nice and warmed she needed no more than a onesie and she was cozy all night but never overheated. Make sure to not overdress your baby, you can see how warm they are by checking the back of their necks. Is their neck hot and clammy? Is it too cool? That is the best way to gauge; their hands and arms may feel cool to the touch, that is normal. Their necks will tell you how they are doing!

Overall, sleep sacks and swaddles are a great tool to help your baby sleep safely, as well as more sound through the night as they adjust to life outside of the womb. Sleep sacks can be pricy, I recommend trying offer-up to find gently used sleepwear for babies! This can save you money as you find the right fit for baby.

Here are some resources on safe infant sleep, as well! To all the exhausted parents out there, HANG IN THERE. I see you, I feel your pain, but it WILL get better!

Here is a link to safe sleep practices: https://www.cdc.gov/vitalsigns/safesleep/index.html

How to dress your baby for sleep and ensure they aren’t too cold or too warm! https://www.whattoexpect.com/first-year/baby-care/what-is-right-temperature-for-baby/

More information on the Moro (startle) reflex! https://www.whattoexpect.com/baby-behavior/newborn-reflexes.aspx

I will be doing a blog post on bassinets and cribs next, stay tuned! Thank you for reading, and I hope this helps you if you’re up at night exhausted with your baby. Here’s a link on infant sleep. 💕 My insomniac mommy self is going to try and sleep now.

https://www.llli.org/infant-sleep/

Me & My ADHD: Mothering Unmedicated

As per my usual, I’m writing this late at night; I’m exhausted, but at the same time, I seem to be the most creative late into the night. It’s also the only true quiet and alone time I can get. My little girl is sleeping soundly, recharging for the next day-and I’ll face it with her, despite my sleep deprivation. She certainly won’t slow down just because I’m tired! But alas, I do this to myself. So tonight I’d like to discuss my lack of medication and why I choose currently not to take it.

So grab a cup of coffee, take your pharmaceutical-grade amphetamines (If you’re on them) and lets talk motherhood with ADHD!
Motherhood is certainly a learning curve, and a friend of mine wisely told me that mothers “become”, we don’t just come out factory-fresh and ready to take on the challenge of raising a little human, let alone get it right every single day. It’s the ultimate “quest” to raise little humans that are kind, loving, and will ultimately grow up to hopefully become wonderful and contributing members of our society. I can say that at every stage of my daughter’s life so far, I have continued to grow and “become” the mother she needs me to be. Adding ADHD into the mix of motherhood, however, makes it harder.

I’ve consistently felt overwhelmed, scattered, underequipped, and unworthy. Lately I have been working on binding negative thoughts such as feelings of unworthiness, and scattering them to the metaphorical wind! But it’s a work in progress.

Lets be clear: regardless of my ADHD, regardless of if I am on medication to manage the symptoms or not, my daughter is always cared for. She is my life right now, my primary focus; she needs me. She is always clothed, clean, freshly diapered, fed, and happy. Her needs are always met, and I ensure that often at the expense of being able to stay on top of household tasks, or take care of my health, such as getting adequate nutrition, or trying to be physically active through yoga, not to mention caring for my mental health. Other things like keeping my room tidy, picking up after myself, making sure I and my husband have clean clothing (because baby laundry is always my first priority.) 24/7 thoughts like, “When are her next doctor appointments? Is her bag packed before we leave to go to the grocery store? Are her teethers clean? Does she have clean binky’s? Are her bottles clean? Where are the wipes? Why’d I come into this room again….?” , flood my mind. I’m not sure how my brain processes everything at once, but I like to call it functioning in chaos.

In a sense I often wonder if one of the symptoms of ADHD, hyper-focusing, maybe actually helps me in this circumstance to ensure that all these tasks regarding my daughter are completed. Hyper-focusing can be negative sometimes, for example, waking up in the middle of the night wondering where my birth certificate is, and then being unable to stop hyper-focusing on where it is for the next 3 hours, followed by a panic attack. But it can also be beneficial, and I find that I can always give my daughter the focus and attention she needs. Perhaps also, as a mother, I owe it to wanting the best for my daughter, and I will forever do my best to ensure she is secure, happy, loved, and most of all healthy and well cared for, despite my own disabilities. I think every mother, every parent, universally feels this way.

So, caring for my daughter isn’t the issue. ADHD doesn’t prevent me from being a good mother, a good parent. Nor does it prevent me from giving my daughter the love and care that she needs. But what about the rest of my life? My world outside of my daughter? That world, to me, has always felt (and been) jumbled and foggy more often than not. It’s hard to explain well what its like living with my brain and its dysfunction. So, here’s some memes to break things up, have a laugh, and also a little education.

I predominantly struggle with inattentive type, so this meme kills me. it’s so true.

Also an absolute truth, and how I feel on and off all day long. I especially struggle with sensory overload, which I’ll touch on later.

I laugh, because these are 100% accurate in describing my ADHD brain, but it’s also just the sad reality that despite the humor I can find in my situation, my ADHD is deeply impairing, and I fight it all day long.

Imagine that you have to plug your phone in so it won’t die, but the outlet is on the other side of the room. You keep tripping every 2-3 steps, and it takes you forever to get back up again and keep moving towards your goal of plugging your phone in—only to trip again once you finally stand back up. Either you never make it in time to plug your phone in, or you’re just so defeated and frustrated by the roadblocks (inattentive/hyperactivity), that you just plain forget or give up on the task. That’s how I’d describe my daily struggles, and my ADHD. And despite constantly being tripped up, I have to somehow find a way to function “normally”, and lead a productive life, keep things organized & clean, remember appointments, remember to eat, and try to sleep despite the insomnia. My life can’t stop because of this disability, but I’ve got to do things differently because of it, and I’ll be covering some of the tools I use to help myself focus in my next blog entry. They’re by no means a cure, and they don’t always work. I have good days and bad days, but without them, my ADHD and life would be far more chaotic.

So I’m not medicated for my ADHD; why not? Let’s discuss:
I have been on Concerta, which is the same as Ritalin (methylphenidate hydrocloride)-the difference lies with strength, dosage, and how long you take them, and Concerta is an extended release form which I took as a child. I was able to focus, but dropped a lot of weight due to having no appetite, and it took away my creativity. My parents took me off it, determined to find another way. Ultimately ADHD medication felt like a bad friend you don’t want around; I avoided it for most of my young adult life and didn’t seek treatment again for it until I was 26, because I remembered all my life how crappy I felt on Concerta as a child.
I’ve been on Adderall XR (Dextroamphetamine), but it caused such severe insomnia that I just didn’t sleep for days, which just wasn’t a viable long-term option. At that point I was awake only because I was on amphetamines, basically, which feels terrible. So they switched me to Adderall IR (Immediate Release), which I took 2x a day. That was less awful, as while I still had insomnia, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the insomnia I had on ER, and yeah, I could focus and think clearly. So those were positives, but the negatives started outweighing them quickly thanks to all the fun side-effects that can come with stimulants. Specifically with Adderall, I got headaches, abdominal cramping/pain, increased excoriation disorder symptoms (stimulants can worsen it) moodiness, irritability, diarrhea (yeah, seriously), and naturally, the Adderall “crash” at the end of the day when my last dose wore off. The crash left me like a vacant, deadpan-expression-wearing zombie, falling asleep and struggling to make it through until my daughter went to bed. I can’t really explain the type of exhaustion you experience when you crash on your ADHD meds, but if you’ve experienced it, you know. It’s different than other types of exhaustion, and it just sucks.
Really, the only med that worked for me was Vyvanse (lysdexamfetamine dimesylate), its a once-a-day capsule that releases the medication slowly throughout the day, so the onset of the medication doesn’t feel like I drank 10 cups of coffee (wired), and as the medication wears off, the crash at the end isn’t so steep and unmanageable. I struggled a bit with insomnia because of it, but I was able to at least sleep, and as far as the side-effects went, they were minimal in comparison to the other types of stimulants I’d been on. And while on it, I felt like I could function with some semblance of clarity and normality that I hadn’t ever experienced as an adult prior to the Vyvanse. It worked, and I was glad, I felt more confident, collected, and calm. My brain didn’t feel like it was moving at a million mph; I could simply pay attention.

Now, with COVID, like many other families, my husband lost his job, and we lost insurance. So we buy our insurance now; that being said our health insurance doesn’t wanna pay for any ADHD med but Concerta or Adderall. Like many, I cannot afford my ADHD meds without insurance, and the non-stimulant option my Psychiatrist brought up (though I was very eager to try it), is of course not covered either. I can’t afford to pay for that prescription without insurance, which is something countless people struggle with every single day. So within the context of all this, I chose no medication. The meds that work for me are not accessible to me at this time, the side-effects of the meds that are accessible to me aren’t worth the benefits due to how awful they make me feel. My psychiatrist and I came to this decision together, which leads me to my next point: a disclaimer.

To be clear I’m in no way saying that ADHD medication is “bad”. While it does come with crappy side-effects for many, it can also provide a lot of relief from your ADHD symptoms and help you to lead a more balanced, functionable life. I am especially am not encouraging you or a loved one you know to stop their meds. Choosing to be unmedicated for your ADHD is a personal decision, make an informed choice, and speak with your doctor. If you’re currently on meds and want to stop taking them, don’t stop them without consulting your Psychiatrist. That matter (going on or off meds) needs to be managed by them. Always go to your Psychiatrist about these things.

I began writing this post almost 3 days ago, but I’ve been having a hard time sitting down long enough to focus, especially when caring for a little one all day. And to be honest, I’ve had some bad days when I’ve felt so scattered, that the idea of sitting down to write this just overwhelmed me. I’ve felt so overstimulated lately, and it’s taking its toll, along with battling my mental health. With that being said, I’ll be talking about my “routine”, and the tools I use to try and help manage my ADHD without my meds. It’s not a cure, it doesn’t always work, but it does make a difference.

Whatever you take away from this post, whether it be a deeper understanding of ADHD and the types of medications prescribed, or you feel understood by reading a random blog written by someone else whose brain is like yours, I hope it leaves you feeling understood, hopeful, and perhaps more educated.

We’re different, not defective. There’s hard days, there’s good days, sometimes it’s so overwhelming it feels like breathing is impossible and my tears fall like rain. But this disability isn’t insurmountable, and you’re never alone.

“…When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you..” -Isaiah 43:2

Living with ADHD: Wired Differently

If you’re here and you don’t have ADHD, welcome! If you’re here and you have a child recently diagnosed with ADHD, welcome. And If you’re an exhausted mama trying to be a parent while struggling with ADHD, welcome. Regardless of how you found my little blog, I hope the words I write will help you feel seen, understood, and hopeful if you suffer from ADHD. And if you don’t have this disability, I hope this will help you to better understand those in your life who do. ADHD makes life challenging, it can make parenting challenging; sometimes it will leave you in tears. But it is not unlivable, and over the years, I have tried to find ways to thrive despite it.

Now, If you have ADHD, this first part of my series on mothering with ADHD might seem repetitive, but I’d like to begin by defining ADHD, what it is, and the stigma surrounding it, for those who may be unfamiliar.

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder. It can be one of the most common neurodevelopmental disorders in childhood, however this learning disability typically remains into adulthood. The causes and risk factors that lead to ADHD, though being researched, are relatively unknown. However it is believed that genetics may play a role. There are three types of ADHD:
1. Predominantly Inattentive Presentation
2.Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Presentation
3. Combined Presentation
You can learn more here in the link below, about the specifics of each type:
https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/facts.html#Types

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, while in Kindergarten with predominantly inattentive presentation, and mild hyperactivity-which I still struggle with on a day-to-day basis. At that time, ADHD was deeply stigmatized, with educators and the average person alike believing it to be a fake diagnosis used by parents to excuse their child’s inattentiveness in class, or hyperactivity. An excuse to explain their child’s inability to learn “normally”, like the rest of the kids. I unfortunately had a teacher who believed those stigmas, and received verbal abuse because of it. At the time we weren’t aware, but I also have a neurological learning disorder that effects my ability to process and learn mathematics. So in addition to my inattentiveness in class, I couldn’t understand the most basic mathematic principles, and it infuriated my teacher. She was told I had ADHD, but believed it to be a lie, and thus verbally abused me in class as a result. She couldn’t understand why I couldn’t understand, and to be quite frank, she didn’t care. Academically I lost all confidence, and for decades following my experience, I felt utterly defeated. It took an amazing high school teacher who came along my side to show me how capable, and smart, I truly was, and to not let ADHD define me.
Fortunately today, information about ADHD is readily available, and it is a very real, legitimate diagnosis. My hope today is that educators will continue to be better equipped to come alongside children with learning disabilities, as well as to have the patience to work with them.

It’s estimated that about 10 million adults struggle with ADHD, whether diagnosed or not. This is not an uncommon disability, but I often feel it is misunderstood, with educators feeling at a loss for how to help a particular student, or adults with ADHD struggling to maintain careers. There is an overwhelming feeling at times (for myself personally) of being misunderstood. I struggle often with feelings of guilt, embarrassment, and frustration. Sometimes, self loathing. ADHD is often associated with depression, mood, and conduct disorders. I myself, suffer from clinical depression, panic disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. My story may sound similar to your own, and if that’s you right now, I see you. It is worth noting that while not always the case, those with autism also can have ADHD; in many ways, the disorders can overlap. That being said, this is not a rare learning disability, and you are not alone.

You’ll notice I referred to ADHD as a disability, that may seem extreme to some, but I would disagree. Under the Americans with Disabilities Act, ADHD is considered a disability. If the ADHD is severe enough, it is considered a protected disability. To me? It’s an invisible disability, as only you, and your loved ones, may be aware you suffer from it. I often feel that this disorder is not taken serious enough, and its not uncommon that I hear people jokingly say things like, “Im so ADD because I forgot to…” Fill in the blank, right? ADHD isn’t simply about being forgetful, and it leaves many feeling isolated, scattered, broken, unsuccessful, depressed, and defective. It effects everything from being able to sit still and fold laundry, to relationships.

For myself, I often think things like, “Whats wrong with me? Why cant I just be normal? Why am I so stupid?”, despite knowing that it is by no fault of my own that I have ADHD. I have difficulties in completing day-to-day tasks/responsibilities, I struggle with my working memory, and Executive Function, which is the brain’s way of prioritizing and managing thoughts and actions. ADHD causes deficits in Executive Function, and these are being shown to be key factors effecting ones academic and career success.

So now that I’ve touched the tip of the iceberg on what ADHD is, I’ll get down to the nitty gritty of what its like mothering with ADHD, and the tools I use to try and manage it without medication. Yep, I said it. I’m unmedicated, and I promise I’ll explain why. It truly is like living in a kaleidoscope unmedicated, but I am continually trying to find a way to cope, and tools that help me to function more effectively, without the use of stimulants. I have good days, I have bad days, and I’m not always successful in achieving the goals I set for myself throughout the day, or in sticking to my “schedule”. But its about celebrating the small victories every day, so that’s what I’m going to roll with.

Ultimately, our brains may be wired differently, but different doesn’t mean bad. And different doesn’t mean we can’t be good mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, partners, or students. ADHD is a roadblock, but not impossible to live with, We are different, and thats okay, so that means we have to do things differently in order to function effectively in our daily lives. I believe there is always hope, and no learning disability should ever make any one single person feel they are worthless. We can celebrate our differentness, and laugh at the craziness that is life living with ADHD. Sometimes ADHD memes are the pick-me-up that get me through the remainder of my day. I like to call it “meme therapy”.

I’ll be discussing more in my next blog post; Mothering Unmedicated!

“For you created my innermost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…” -Psalm 139:13-14

Resources which may be helpful: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/facts.html
https://chadd.org/understanding-adhd/

Somehow keeping my sanity in 2020: my Journey into motherhood.

As much as we love our little ones, sometimes they feel like sticks of dynamite ready to go off. When you’re parenting an infant, you’re a slave to a pudgy, adorable little tyrant who needs attention and supervision 24/7, and that’s okay. That’s just a fact of life when living with an infant, and as exhausting as it is, I don’t want time to speed up to when she is more independent. I don’t want to skip ahead, I want to enjoy every stage because she won’t be this little forever. The time flies so fast, and it makes me a bit melancholy. All that being said, it is exhausting. Mentally, physically, emotionally. As mothers we sacrifice so much for our children, our nice pre-pregnancy bodies, our pre-nursing boobies, our smooth stomachs might gain a cesarean scar, stretch marks, our hair falls out in handfuls postpartum…I could go on and on. We all know the sacrifices well, we see them when we look in the mirror trying to put ourselves together, we feel it in our achey bodies, see it in our tired eyes, and in every single trip to the microwave to reheat our coffee (for the 14th time that day).

After having my daughter, there was a period of time where I couldn’t be bothered to wash my face (I know, my pre-baby self would have gasped in horror). I was suffering from postpartum depression and recovering from a c-section while our state went into lockdown because of COVID. I had a baby that wouldn’t sleep except in my arms, I was terrified of SIDS, I hated the way my body looked in the mirror, I was trying to breastfeed, etc, etc. the list just goes on. Now looking back, those slow days with my itty bitty baby and sleepless newborn-up-every-hour-nights feel like just a blink in time. With every stage in my daughters life thus far (she is 7mos old), I’ve learned so much about myself. Personal growth is great. But on the other hand I’ve been trying to figure out how to make the most of any alone time I get, and how to balance my mental health. I’ve always had a scattered mind thanks to a lifelong battle with ADHD, and trying to mother with it has been very difficult. Medication, therapy, those things are integral to my mental health, just as caring for my skin and hair makes me feel sane. Not necessarily because of the “look-good-feel-good” sentiment, but because of the routine. The process itself is deeply relaxing to me, so even if it’s 5 minutes in the morning washing my face, I always feel like a new human being afterwards. It’s an extra boost, if not a somewhat spa-like addition to my life that I very much missed during the early days of motherhood. I’m growing every day as a mother, and an individual- and I have my daughter to thank for it. My life is so much better with her in it, and while my pre-baby life was “simpler”, I don’t miss it one bit. Caring for my skin has come to be a huge part of keeping my sanity, while adapting to motherhood and meeting the needs of the pudgy little tyrant in the high-chair rejecting her mango purée. Washing the grime off my face is like a breathe of fresh air after being covered in spit up, and doing damage control on a blowout. This post goes out to all the exhausted new mamas out there. What do you do to maintain your sanity?

Hang in there.

Post-surgery, exhausted, and over the moon with joy. I had no comprehension of the level of sleep-deprivation coming my way. 😉

2020 is a dumpster fire, but my skin doesn’t have to be.

Let’s face it, this year has been a dumpster fire to say the least. So full of uncertainty, fear, and having to adapt to “the new normal”. Despite the insanity of 2020, I got a beautiful baby girl out of it (now 7mos old), and she is the light of our lives. The days seem to just blur together, and though the days feel slow, the time continues to fly. I blinked and 7 months has flown by. So what am I doing with my free time? Plenty of Dungeons & Dragons sessions, and experimenting with skin & hair care of course! So without further ado, here is my 2020 skin & haircare routine.

Let’s begin with cleanser. I recently switched cleansers, thanks to a trip to Costco. I’d been wanting to try Belif’s Aqua Bomb Jelly Cleanser and the Aqua Bomb Moisturizer, so when I saw Costco had both products priced at $29.50 USD, you bet I grabbed it! My Matcha Hemp Cleanser almost gone, it was perfect timing. I’ve been using the jelly cleanser for almost a month now, and I’m quite confident I will repurchase! I love the fresh slightly herbal scent of this cleanser, the way it lathers up, and the way it cleans without stripping my skin of moisture. It hasn’t left my skin irritated, or made me break out. This cleanser is glycerin-based cleansing agents and formulated with amino acids to help remove the nasties from your skin. As always, don’t forget to double cleanse! Belif products are always free of petrolatum, mineral oils, fragrance, synthetic dyes, animal based ingredients, parabens, sulfates, and Phthalates.

I decided to make a switch in toners; call it nostalgia, but the scent of Kose Sekkisei Enriched Lotion takes me back to watching our Japanese exchange student pat it into her skin, she was always so relaxed while doing so. I bought the medium size to give it a try—and while it isn’t a game changer, I don’t exactly dislike it either! The scent sort of reminds of something medicinal, but I really like it. It’s lightly hydrating and feels cooling on my skin. Since I tend to be more combination/oily, I like the way it doesn’t seem to weigh down my skin or make it feel greasier. This lotion is said to be medicated, with ophiopogon tuber extract, rose myrtle extract, and more. I’m not sure I will repurchase it, as there is alcohol in it. It’s not so bad in that I’ll quit using it, but it isn’t so great that I’d repurchase. So I guess I’d say for the price and ingredients; I personally found this toner a miss. It was $45.00 USD at my the local Asian supermarket.

Next I follow up with CosRX Two in One Poreless Power Liquid. This is a new addition to my routine! I was on the hunt for a gentle BHA serum to refine my skin texture, shrink pore size, and dissolve excess sebum and impurities. This essence is exactly what was looking for! I use it in the AM and PM, smoothing it on with a cotton pad, then patting the rest in and following up with my serum. I’ve been using this product for a little over a month now, and I’ve noticed my skin is much smoother, my pores are smaller, and less congested. Will definitely repurchase and continue to use for maintenance. And the best part, is the affordable price point. A reminder if you’re using BHA/AHA or retinoids to always use sunscreen!

Next up is my daily serum, Glow Recipe’s Plum Plump Hyaluronic Acid Serum! I love this stuff, it has the lightest scent (barely there), sinks in like a dream, and super hydrating without feeling tacky or heavy. It’s the perfect serum for layering products, and I definitely intend to repurchase! Paired with the rest of my products, Plum Plump gives me a naturally dewy complexion and I absolutely love it. In addition to Hyaluronic acid, this serum is rich in vegan collagen and vegan silk protein. It’s lightweight, oil-free, and leaves your skin feeling hydrated and glowy. The formula is so silky, and I’m in love! The packaging is recyclable, and I love the weight of the glass jar. As always with glow recipe, this serum is cruelty free and vegan. In my opinion, totally worth every penny!

During the AM, I follow up with Belif The True Cream Aqua Bomb. It has a light herbal scent, and feels soothing on application. It’s consistency is between a gel and a cream, but it isn’t oily or heavy. Weightless hydration, with ingredients like Ladies mantle and more. My skin always feels smooth and hydrated after applying, it never breaks me out, and I never feel oily or greasy. The perfect daytime moisturizer! The only downside is the price point, but I would shell out the cash for a repurchase. You get a good amount of product for the price, and need barely more than a pea size per use, so it lasts a while.

The last step of my AM routine is sunscreen! Lately I’ve been switching between using my holy grail Klairs Midday Blue UV Shield, and Klairs Soft Airy UV Essence. If my skin is irritated or needs a brightening up, I use Midday Blue, and if I want a barely-there feeling I use the Airy UV essence. Both are affordable and I will forever recommend these sunscreens! The UV Essence doesn’t leave a white cast, an added bonus, and Midday Blue has calming blue Guaiazulene which gives a natural tone-up and lends itself to the blue color of the sunscreen. Perfect for sensitive skin, vegan, and cruelty free!

Come evening, I use my Glow Recipe Banana Soufflé Moisture Cream in place of the Belif Moisture Bomb. On days my skin is irritated I use the soufflé, as it has naturally occurring magnesium in it which does wonders for redness! It has a light scent of fresh bananas, and the consistency of a light soufflé. It’s just fresh and wonderful, and worth every penny. I especially love to use it after the Plum Plump serum, as it leaves me with that beautiful glass skin finish! You get a bang for your buck, since the jar comes with a lot of product, and you need so little per use. Lastly, as with everything from Glow Recipe, it’s vegan, cruelty free, noncomedogenic, and easily recyclable packaging.

Now let’s talk about the chemical peel I’ve been using! Chemical peels always intimidated me, which is why I’ve never tried one…until last month! I picked up a The Ordinary’s AHA/BHA Peeling Solution thinking that now that I’m in my late 20s, my skin might appreciate a peel more. Now, the first time round I used it for the recommended 10 minutes. Afterwards I regretted it, as my skin felt very sensitized, and it seemed like overnight it began “purging”. Purging after an AHA/BHA peel is a “good breakout”, or an “initial breakout”. Using AHA/BHA peels, make us shed dead skin cells at a faster rate, which pushes out trapped debris and sebum. This also however accelerates the speed at which pre- existing clogged pores show up on the surface and turn into pimples. Within a month the purging stopped, and I continued to use the CosRX treatment. This week I followed up with another AHA/BHA peel (only leaving it on 5 minutes this time!), and then took a break from using the CosRX Essence for a couple days so as not to overly sensitize my skin. I’m so glad I pushed through that purging and didn’t give up, because my skin is just glowing! My pores are smaller, I have almost no breakouts, and my skin texture is greatly improved. I definitely recommend The Ordinary’s AHA/BHA Peel, it’s super effective and at an awesome price point. If you plan on doing a peel, do a patch test first, and always use sunscreen after any chemical exfoliation or use of Retinoids.

I also wanna touch on another addition Ive made to my PM routine, is adding the Missha Time Revolution Night Repair Probio Ampoule to one pump of the Plum Plump serum. This Ampoule helps brighten skin tone Niacinamide, smooths skin with fermented extracts, improves skin texture, and reduces fine lines. After a month of using this ampoule, I’ve definitely noticed a difference in my skin. It’s brighter, smoother, and more plump. What’s more is how great the price point is! Definitely will repurchase in the future.

Last but not least, I’m still loving the Avocado Melt Retinol Eye Sleeping Mask by Glow Recipe for use in the PM, and the Klairs Fundamental Nourishing Eye Butter in the AM! Both products are vegan, and cruelty free! I love the way the eye butter tightens up my tired mommy eyes with caffeine. It’s light, hydrating, comes with a large amount of product, and at great price point. It’s texture feels so silky and, well, buttery. It doesn’t cause concealer to crease under my eyes. (On the rare occasion I might wear some!) All in all, it’s a great basic to have on hand for daytime and I will probably repurchase.

The retinol eye sleeping mask is pretty pricey, but lasts all year due to how little product you need with each application. It has almost no scent, is deeply hydrating, and has definitely improved the condition of the skin under my eyes!

So there we have it, my updated 2020 routine! This year may be a hot mess, but my skin doesn’t have to be, and I’ve loved trying new products and seeing the difference reflected in my skin. My body has balanced out after having my daughter, and I’m learning to love myself and how I look now. Now it’s your turn, take some time for yourself to do something that is therapeutic for you; even if it’s just 5 minutes. Mach’s gut!

Back to skin basics: motherhood & my PP skin

Pregnancy is a rollercoaster, to say the least. The amount of changes our bodies undergo in such a short period of time, is nothing short of incredible (but it’s exhausting). During my pregnancy my skin changed pretty much overnight, from combination/sensitive, to desperately dry (and sensitive of course). I was fighting dry patches, itchiness, irritation, flakiness… safe to say, I had to change my routine to accommodate my pregnant skin. And now 3.5mos PP and post-cesarean, my skin has yet again changed, and returned to its combination/sensitive self. Everything in my life has changed, and it feels like I have so little time to actually care for myself! Maybe that’s because, well, I really don’t have much these days to dedicate to personal time. Skincare has always been my “zen”, my escape, my time to relax. I’ve had to adapt, and my routine has certainly shifted. I am needed 24/7, and I have to find time to maintain an effective skincare routine. Like the rest of my body as it recovers from gestating a human & surgery, the skin on my face is trying to balance itself out and get back to “normal”. So I’ve tried to minimize my routine to effective, gentle products, so as not to inflame my skin, and to also give my skin the treatment it needs without taking up too much time.

Without further ado, here is my updated skincare routine! I am not a makeup person really, but I always wear sunscreen and fill in my brows. So at the end of the day I always make sure to double cleanse to remove sunscreen, excess sebum, and my brows! My go-to first cleanser has been Banila Co. Clean it Zero Purifying cleansing balm. It melts off the grime like a breeze, and emulsifies with water easily preparing my skin for a water based gel cleanser.

My favorite gel cleanser right now is from Krave Beauty, developed by the wonderful Liah Yoo. I was so excited to try her products, and finally made a purchase once I finished up my other products! I love everything about Krave Beauty’s approach to skincare: simple, ethically sourced and produced, gentle, effective, environmentally conscious and all packaging is recyclable. So that being said, allow me to introduce the Matcha Hemp Hydrating Cleanser. It literally smells like freshly brewed Matcha, like you’ve just taken a sip, except with your skin. 😂 It’s simple, no frills, gentle, effective, with a small ingredient list. It gently cleanses my skin without stripping it, and is low-foaming. I instantly fell in love, and I will absolutely be repurchasing. I also love how affordable these products are!

To tone my skin, I looked for a hydrating, gentle and affordable product. I decided after doing some research to try TONYMOLY Wonder Ceramide Moochi Toner. It has an extremely light scent, I barely notice it when I apply. It has a consistency between an essence and a toner, it’s certainly bang for your buck if you ask me (you get 17oz)! It comes in a huge bottle, and is multi-use (soak Cotton pads and place on your skin for a mask, use as a face mist, etc.) It comes at a great price point, is pretty no-frills, but is calming, and hydrating which is exactly what my skin needed.

Amazon, 23.00 USD.

For my eyes, I have two products, an eye cream for the AM, and an a eye sleeping mask for PM. For mornings, I have been using Klairs Fundamental Nourishing Eye Butter. The tube is a decent size, and the price wasn’t too hard on my wallet, especially as you need less than the size of a pea for both eyes. The consistency is between a serum and a cream, it really reminds me of soft butter. It isn’t greasy nor too heavy, and absorbs quickly. I really have liked the texture, it hasn’t irritated my eyes, or caused milia to pop up. My under eye area feels hydrated and happy. I have no complaints! Considering purchasing the awakening eye gel as well.

At night I have been using Glow Recipes Avocado Melt Retinol Eye Sleeping Mask. It’s made with fresh avocado 🥑, gentle, and utilizes encapsulated retinol. I feel it is effective, and have noticed less fine lines around my eyes and they are plump when I wake in the morning! Glow Recipe, like Klairs, is cruelty free. It’s products are made with fresh ingredients. The jars are 100% recyclable (the company has an entire page dedicated to recycling), and are made of 100% recycled glass. I love the weight and design of the containers, as I can re-use them as containers for all sorts of things! The products are definitely worth the hype, and while expensive, you are truly getting what you pay for here. High quality, effective, environmentally conscious, cruelty free, what’s not to love? Will be repurchasing. For the price you are actually getting a decent amount of product, and the jar will last you a long time, as you use so little each evening.

For moisturizer, I have been using another Krave Beauty product, the Oat So Simple Water Cream. If the punny name isn’t enough to catch your attention, this no-frills, gentle, hydrating cream has less than 10 ingredients, no scent, extremely gentle, and exactly what it says, a water cream. The texture is a gel-like cream, it feels sort of watery but is oh so hydrating, and I only need to use a pea sized amount to cover my face and neck. It comes with an adorable spatula to scoop out product with, and instructions on the inside of the box for how you can recycle every piece of the jar. This moisturizer is super basic, and it’s absolutely what my skin needed. No frills, just gentle, and effective. I’m in love, and will be repurchasing when I run on empty. My skin feels hydrated, soothed, and I have had zero breakouts or irritation from this product. 10/10 would recommend for those who have sensitive skin, and are sensitive to fragrance (as there is none!). It doesn’t make my skin feel oily, and I use it in the AM and PM. Ok, I’m done raving about this product!

The “treatment” product I’ve been using in the evenings 2-3 times a week is Glow Recipes Watermelon Glow Sleeping Mask. So, the jar is beautiful, and it’s contents are even more delightful. It literally smells like a freshly sliced watermelon, why? Because they make it with fresh watermelons, and you may find small watermelon chunks in the product (they warn you of this, not that I’d mind finding some). I watched a video of how they make the mask, and it made me crave watermelon like crazy. The mask is bouncy, and luxurious, and you are (again) absolutely getting your moneys worth when you use it. It’s super hydrating, rich in hyaluronic acid, soothing amino-acid rich watermelon extract, and pore refining AHA to gently exfoliate and refine skin overnight. I love putting the mask on in the evening, it’s cooling, refreshing, sinks in leaving my skin nice and bouncy, and hydrated in the morning. My skin is plump, and the texture of my skin has been improving! I always make sure to wash it off in the AM with my routine, and use sunscreen to protect my skin.

For sunscreen, I have continued to use my tried-and-true, holy grail favorite: Klairs Mid-Day Blue UV Shield. This is a physical sunscreen; it’s lightweight, non-greasy, hydrating, and a nonirritant. It gets its natural blue tint from calming guaiazulene, which in turn provides a little tone-up to the skin. I really love it because it evens out my skin tone and reduces redness and irritation while providing excellent UVA/UVB protection. It is SPF 50/PA ++++. This is my 3rd tube, I wear it year-round, and I will always swear by it! It never breaks me out, never irritates. Hands down, my favorite.

I finish up my routine using Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Pencil, DHC’s Lip Cream, and Burts Bees Lip Cheek Stick in Peach. It’s moisturizing and provides just a little touch of color to my cheeks when I’m looking washed out and tired (which is most of the time since I gave birth to a tiny human). 💕 So that’s it, my updated skincare routine! Here’s to motherhood, and cheers to my sweet little peanut for making my life 20 times better, and making sure I don’t sleep. 😉 To all the new moms out there, hang in there, and even if it’s 5 minutes, take that time to do a little self care.

My 2019 body care favs 💕

Let’s get right into it, starting with body products. I transitioned from using body wash to bar-soap (for several reasons) years ago. But I ran into one particular brand that I fell in love with, and it’s been a staple in my shower for 4 years now! Indigo Wild’s “Zum” bar in Frankincense and Myrrh. I’d originally bought it for my husband, thinking it’d be a more “masculine scent”, but one day I gave it a try, and it was so moisturizing, didn’t irritate my skin, and left this soft, warm sweet smell behind. I just fell in love, and have been using it since! These products are made using 100% essential oils, and ingredients such as argan oil, Shea butter, and jojoba oil. Zum is produced domestically in the US, in Kansas City MO, which I love. Lastly, all products are cruelty free and tested by the Zum employees themselves. 😉 All products are Vegan, except those made with goats milk, are vegetarian, gluten free, and organic. The goats milk used in Zum bars is collected from Kansas City goats who live happy-go-lucky lives, because Zum loves goats just as much as we do! Their bars come in a variety of delicious scents.

Next is deodorant; I switched from traditional aluminum based/chemical deodorants several years back as well, but it took trial and error to find my fav product. I landed on Schmidt’s Charcoal & Magnesium deodorant. Everything produced at Schmidt’s is manufactured without harming animals, nor do they source ingredients from companies that animal test. Cruelty free, vegan, and always free of nasty stuff like parabens, and aluminum. I like to run my hairdryer over my deodorant before putting it on as it heats up the oils and shea butter for a smoother application. 1-2 swipes and I’m good to go! I don’t get smelly throughout the day, and I love the smell of the Charcoal Magnesium stick. Though a second favorite would be Lavender. They have a large variety of scents to try!

Next up is body lotion/butter. I am using different products for my pregnant belly at the moment, but for the rest of me, I’ve really been enjoying Love, Beauty, and Planet’s Shea butter & sandalwood body butter. (I love warm scents like this, you can see a trend lol). Anyways, these products are PETA certified cruelty free, dye-free, Paraben-free, formulated without phthalates, and their ingredients are sustainable sourced.

I have never been a huge perfume-wearer, but these two scents I have been obsessed with. The first I have been wearing for years now, ever since I discovered it at the natural market. Enter Soap & Paper Factory’s Madagascar Vanilla Roll-On Perfume. It is an oil, and the scent is so perfect, it lasts all day and isn’t too overpowering. Combined with my body wash it just smells warm, cozy, but clean and fresh at the same time. It combines a vanilla base, with cedar wood and bourbon. At the moment it seems to not be available on Soap & Paper Factory’s website, so I have contacted them to see if it has been discontinued (I hope not) or if they are just restocking. From my memory it costs maybe around 15 USD, and the small bottle really will last an entire year!

Soap & Paper Factory is women-owned/operated and products are made here in the US using high quality ingredients and essential oils. They never test on animals, and their products are paraben, phthalate, and petrochemical-free. ❤ They also make delicious soaps, candles, and creams!
Visit http://www.soapandpaperfactory.com

Well that was a bit short, but for 2019 those have been my absolute “loves”!